Well that's pretty crap!

Every so often I get an 'off time', a time when I doubt everything positive in my life. I get pulled back screaming into the past and all my previous insecurities rear their ugly heads...again.
 I then beat myself up for allowing that to happen. I don't know why it happens, is there something I'm just not 'getting'? Is there some detail I am not seeing or a path I should've taken but didn't? Or is it just me fearing the future, or fear of losing control ot myself...again?

 I have worked through so much shit from my past and I thought that I had made some headway, but then WHAM! Off I'm dragged, kicking and screaming, grasping and clawing and trying to stop that frantic backward motion, but to no avail.
 I have even got to the point of forgiveness, to all of those who have wronged me in so many ways in the past...Hmmmmmm as I wrote that last bit as happens when I am writing out my dreams, a thought popped into my head.
                       
              I am working on forgiving everyone except myself!

  How do I do that when I have dumped so much blame on myself? The guilt of  allowing things to happen (even at a young age). Yes I know that I am mostly not responsible but there are certain things, certain situations where I feel I should've defied those who were conspiring against me. My mother, the doctor and even myself. Maybe if I hadn't been so afraid then maybe, just maybe they couldn't have forced me to do something that I really didn't want to do.
   I was 17...just and it was going to be a new start. A messed up teenage doing rightm being right again. I should've kept my mouth shut for just another week or so longer but I screwed up and had control taken from me.
 The pain I experience in the base of my spine serves as a reminder of that event. I fell from the trolley whilst coming around from anaestetic and landed on the floor hard. I think it may be a pain I am holding on to, something to punish myself further. My weight problems, which at one point I thought were because of me trying to take control, but this isn't control! I am infact trying to fill a hole, a hole that is so deep, so cavernous that it could never be filled.
 I am mourning, after thirty years I am still mourning my loss and it's a loss that most people wouldn't understand, how can they? They see me as a willing participant, as someone who shouldn't have been so stupid, so careless, so reckless in the first place...that's what they say. Thats what the doctors said, that's what the women from the local Mormon church said (amongst other things) when they called at my house every day for 5 days! That's what my mum said and my dad thought as did many of my family members.

 I can never let this go, I couldn't, so how do I stop treating myself this way? How can I forgive myself? I've even forgiven my mum for the awful things she said to me, for taking everything from me and then promptly moving me out of the house straight afterwards to mourn in a strange place with people I didn't know. My only saving grace there was the fact that my ex sis in law moved in there too. She was there for me and she kept me going and kept me from falling. She kept me alive and sis, I want you to know how much you mean to me, thank you for being in my life. Love you sis xx

This is something I want to cure, something I want to solve. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to punish myself any longer but I have been doing it so long now I don't know how to stop. I have no clue how to take back control, I don't know how to fill that unfillable hole with something other than food. I don't know how to forgive myself for allowing what happened to me...But I am working on it. x